


The Filking of Starscream

by raisedbymoogles



Category: Transformers G1
Genre: Crack, Disney, Filk, Gen, Humor, Silly, ill-advised things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-11
Updated: 2012-02-11
Packaged: 2017-10-30 23:26:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/337337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raisedbymoogles/pseuds/raisedbymoogles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The musical stylings of Skywarp... as expected, it all goes horribly wrong. (Apologies to Disney. But not to Gaston.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Filking of Starscream

**Author's Note:**

> This is a collaboration with my 'Bootscreature, and in fact may be all her fault.

If asked, Skywarp would say that he only watched human broadcasts in order to study the humans, in order to learn more effective strategies for conquering them. He'd read that in one of Megatron's propaganda pamphlets somewere and thought it sounded good. Of course, if one were to inquire _further_ into Skywarp's viewing habits, and ask why his library consisted mostly of Disney productions and porn, you'd mostly get spluttering and grumbling followed by shooting, so it's probably for the best that none of the Decepticons bothered.

Yes, it was well known around Decepticon Headquarters that Skywarp was a bit of a wingnut. So when he waltzed into the common room humming, he got only a mild Look from his trine commander. "What's got you in such a good mood?" Starscream demanded, a smirk trying to emerge on his lips as Skywarp accepted his daily ration from the dispenser.

"Oh," Skywarp chirped, "just seeing your lovely face, Starscream. Never fails to put a spring in my thrusters."

"Among other places," snarked Ramjet from his table, prompting a chorus of snickers. Skywarp flicked his wings at them in a Seeker's version of an upraised middle finger, never taking his beaming smile off Starscream.

The Air Commander, always a bit of a sucker for praise no matter how often it was proved that he really, really should have known better, leaned back with one pede on the chair next to him. "Well, I _am_ a handsome specimen. I suppose I can't blame you."

"Exactly!" Skywarp hooked a pede around the leg of a chair at Soundwave's table, dragged it over, and plunked down on it backwards with a crazily tilted grin on his face. "Gosh, it's so swell just to see you, Starscream," he said, his voice taking on a musical lilt. "All shiny and self-satisfied."

"And why shouldn't I be?" Starscream pointed out.

"Every mech here'd kill to be you, Starscream!" Skywarp continued, sweeping his arm to include the other Decepticons, who ranged from amused to unimpressed. "Even though your voice is fried!"

"Heeeey," Starscream muttered, but he didn't look too irritated yet, so Skywarp continued.

"There's no Seeker from Vos as admired as you, you're everyone's favorite mech!" Skywarp stood abruptly, one pede on his chair, and threw his arms out dramatically. "Everyone's cowed and enamored of you - and I'm _bored,_ so I thought, what the heeeeck..."

He drew out the last syllable until it was as wide as his grin; Starscream's mouth was twitching a bit, torn between amusement and laid-on-with-a-trowel flattery and the need to appear the Unamused and Unmoved Air Commander in front of the other Decepticons, who were starting to murmur and snicker among themselves. Swindle was grinning like he'd just fallen into a pile of energon goodies as inquiry-pings came to him from all over the room, stating each mech's predicted outcome and how much they were willing to wager on it.

"Oh, go on then," Starscream chuckled, when Skywarp paused for effect.

Incandescent with glee, Skywarp opened his mouth and delivered the next line of the song he'd written - well, ripped off - just for his beloved, respected Air Commander.

"No... one's... slick like Starscream, no one's quick like Starscream! No one's head is incredibly _thick_ like Starscream!"

"WHAT!?"

In response, Skywarp sang even louder. "For there's no 'Con on board who's as squawky! High-pitched a good octave on!"

"Skywarp, you imbecile!" Starscream's squawk was lost in the roar of giggles and betting that swept the room; Skywarp pretended not to notice. Behind them, Thundercracker poked his head through the doorway, took in the scene, shook his head and walked away.

"You can ask any 'Bot, 'Con or neutral," Skywarp continued, pressing a hand sincerely to his cockpit, "who's the shrieky-voiced geek on this team we're all on...! 

No one rants like Starscream  
No one mopes like Starscream  
No one fills pages on TVTropes like Starscream!"

"Skywarp, I'll have your fragging wings if you don't stop that right now!" Starscream snapped, which didn't exactly fit the meter of the song, but Skywarp rolled with it.

"And he's also a bad shot, Starscreeeaaaam!"

This time Skywarp actually did have to duck to avoid a null-ray to the face; Starscream gave an enraged growl and aimed again. "Stand still and take your punishment like a mech!"

He didn't give Skywarp a chance to surrender before shooting again, proving how well he knew his trinemate - but Skywarp had already disappeared in a blur of violet light. He reappeared behind Starscream, taking hold of his wings and rocking him back and forth in time with his song.

"Give _five_ Rise Ups, give _twelve_ retreeaaats!" Skywarp exhorted the crowd as Starscream flailed. "Starscream is the boss and that's why he's a geeeeeek!" He leaned them both to one side, threatening to overbalance them and topple them to the floor.

"You are _dead,_ Skywarp," Starscream shrieked. "Deactivated! I'm going to scatter your components all over the galaxy!"

"No one pouts like Starscream  
No one shouts like Starscream  
No one grovels when he's on the outs like Starscream!"

Skywarp had made no prior arrangement with Reflector, but he gave them a delighted grin when they piped up in three-part harmony. "For there's no one so cranky and kinky!"

"He's got sex toys and stories to share!" Skywarp finished gleefully, and Starscream shrieked with outrage and tore himself out of Skywarp's grip. Off-balance, he stumbled, null-rays waving around wildly, and the whole room ducked.

Skywarp teleported behind him, and kept making microjumps so that Starscream couldn't get a target lock, though it did have the effect of chopping up his singing voice. "Every- bit of him's - pervy and stinky! - He prefers it - when cannons go - right up to theeeere!" He ended up on top of the table, in a rather pinup-esque pose, aft wiggling and hands making offensive gestures. Starscream looked like he didn't know who he wanted to blow up first, Skywarp or himself.

Skywarp began a - well, it couldn't be called 'dancing' by any stretch, but he kicked his pedes about in a spirited attempt. "No one rails like Starscream! No one flails like Starscream! No one looks like he'll start spitting nails like Starscream!" A prophetic enough line, considering Starscream's expression. "He's especially good at o-be-si-a-ting!"

"What does that mean?" Thrust wanted to know.

Rumble cackled. "Dunno, but I like it!"

"Hooray for Starscream!" Skywarp declared, one finger pointed at the ceiling.

"Is that the end? Are you _done_ now?" Starscream demanded.

Skywarp gave him a wicked smirk - _you know me better than that._ "When he was just small he kissed four dozen afts every morning to heighten his rank!"

_"I did not!"_

"And now he's commander, it's only one aft, but it's roughly the size of a taaaaaaaank!" Skywarp spread his arms wide as he could. Incredibly, despite his fury, Starscream made a strangled pfnerking noise that sound exactly like he was desperately trying not to laugh.

"Nooooo," Skywarp continued, drawing it out to build dramatic tension - slag, but he knew how to work a crowd. Maybe he should become an entertainer after they were done conquering everything in sight. "Oooooone's..." He spun on his heel to address the crowd and nearly bashed his nose into a broad - tank-sized, one could say - silver chest.

".......heep," he squeaked.

Like Starscream, Megatron's mouth was twitching in a heroic - okay, diabolical - effort not to laugh, but his optics were bright with fury only a bit tempered by amusement. "Oh, no, don't let me stop you," the Decepticons' fearsome tyrant rumbled. "Please. Continue with your delightful song."

"I. Uh." Skywarp struggled to make his vocalizer produce more than squeaky syllables. "I just forgot the words."

Megatron's arm snapped out; to Skywarp's great relief, it was only a hand closing tightly around his neck, rather than a charged cannon going _right up to there._ "Let's see if I can't remind you!" Megatron snarled, dragging him fron the room to the sound of stifled, horrified laughter. _Traitors!_ Skywarp thought.

Starscream's voice floated to him, smug and piercing, just to add insult to injury. "No - one - fails like Skywarp, sent to jail like Skywarp, no one chases old Megatron's tail like Skywarp...!"


End file.
